Tag Archives: nesting

Come Together

I try to play music for the little dude when I’m thinking about it. I play what is important to me, what is important to Graham. I play him music that Graham made. I play him classical. I play him rock. I play him jazz. I go back to the music that has given me comfort throughout my life, and I’m sure it’s as much for me as it is for him.

Sometimes I talk to him and explain something about the song. Or a memory associated with it. Or a person who comes to mind when I hear the song. Sometimes I sing along, hoping that he can hear that too. Some of the songs I’ll sing to him later, when he’s with us. Some he’ll only hear played and sung by someone else.

Last weekend it was Springsteen. We listened to Born to Run and the Live 75-85 album. Both are old, both have specific memories associated with them.

Today is the Beatles. We started with Sgt. Pepper, moved to Revolver, and just finished the White Album. Now, we’re listening to Abbey Road.

I haven’t talked to him about it yet, but I’m sure Graham is mentally working on a playlist in his head for those first few hours/days with him. Songs that mean something to us. Songs we want to be important to him. Songs that soothe. Songs that inspire. Songs that bring joy and happiness. Songs that bring peace and inspire slumber.

I think this focus on music is really just a simple way of connecting. A way of connecting that has been used for millennia. A shared language between people, and it’s a way that our little dude can start to feel things, hear things, even it they’re just disparate noises that come together a little. And it exposes him to stimuli without us necessarily having to do anything more than looking up what we want to hear and pressing “play.”

And music is a value that Graham and I want to pass on to him. It’s really important to both of us. It moves us. It inspires us. For Graham, it was a source of income and profession for decades.

And so this this will probably happen to him for the rest of his life with me. Sometimes he’ll love it, and we’ll connect through it. Sometimes he’ll roll his eyes and want to be anywhere else. And that’s ok. He’ll develop his own tastes. He’ll follow the trends of his own generation. He’ll make his own choices. But we’ll give him the building blocks to do that.

And so…

I’m not even sure how start.

He’s inside me. And he has been for awhile. He’ll be here, hopefully, for awhile longer.

And then, I get to meet him, and my life will change forever.


I forget sometimes. Or sometimes I think something terrible will happen. But the scans are good. The tests are good. It’s been an uneventful event, with only a few signs. Like being super tired at first. And my boobs growing.

Lately, my hands fall asleep at night, which is due the the fluid build up.

And I’m showing. In the four months so far, I haven’t gained all that much weight. I’m happy about that. But my belly gets more and more prominent every week.

I can tell when I go to yoga every week that suddenly poses aren’t accessible to me anymore. I can’t bend as well. I can’t lay on my stomach. I have to find modifications.

With all of the issues we had getting here–nearly ten years of dashed hopes, disappointments, trying something new to have it fail–it’s amazing to actually be here.

We’re talking about how to rearrange things. We’ve bought some clothes. We have a plan. And we’re so excited. So very, very excited.

At first, it seemed to take forever. Waiting for testing. Waiting for documents. Waiting for timing to work. And then it was a rollercoaster.

She gave us 41 eggs. Our mouths dropped when we heard that. 28 of them fertilized. 13 made it to day 5. We joke that we have a soccer team plus substitutions on ice. Later, when we were talking to the agency, the lady told us they usually hope for three or four. 13.

He took immediately. Transferred into me on June 23. July 3, I found out I was pregnant.

We’ve been quiet. We didn’t tell anyone but the immediate family at first, preparing for heartbreak. We let a few people in over time, and even though we have sort of lost count of who knows and who doesn’t, we still are individually telling people rather than broadcasting the news.

I think I felt him a little. Maybe. I have felt something a few times, though I don’t want to say for sure it’s him.

By the regular numbers, we are halfway through this. I’m still in shock about it. Can it be real?

a new normal

I’ve not exactly avoided coming here, though there hasn’t been much to say.

In October, Graham and I were both tested, and aside from a small fibroid on my uterus, everything seems to be good. My egg reserves were apparently “unusually good” for a person my age, and the doctor thought that the main thing that was wrong was our age. So I flew home early from Thanksgiving to begin the IUI process. The first month I had follicles that were 18, 15 and 11 mm. I didn’t get pregnant. The second month, I had a cyst on one of my ovaries and we skipped. The third month, I had follicles that were 26 and 24 mm. I didn’t get pregnant. And the fourth month was just weird.

We’re in the 5th month now, and we’re skipping the cycle. My doctor still thinks that everything looks good from the technical side of things. He just thinks my body is waiting for the perfect egg, and with my age, they’re not as common as they used to be. He still thinks the IUI will work, and Graham and I have talked about how far we’re willing to take this. I think two more cycles and then we start talking about what else.

The rest of my life seems to be coming together better now.

I just finished a 40 days of yoga experiment at a local studio, and I think I’m going to stick with it. Graham and I are in the planning stages of the house expansion, and we’re getting closer and closer to construction. We went to Taos for a week last month, and I think it invigorated both of us to get moving on projects. I feel more connected to myself than I have since I lost the pregnancy, and I think I care a lot more now. 2013 was a very stressful year for me, and I think it took all of 2014 to recover.

I feel like writing again. I feel like doing projects again. I feel like exercising again. I’m watching what I eat again.  Everything is not perfect, but I feel a lot better about things.  And maybe that’s the key.

Sleeping dogs lie

Fusilli and Celosa are asleep as I’m writing this. Graham is working. It’s raining and has been for a long time. This was surprise storm, and a welcome one. We’ve needed the rain.

I spent a good hunk of the morning working in the yard, pulling stuff out from under the palm tree and trimming vines that are creeping over the fence.  It wasn’t hard, but it was time consuming and laborious.  I took it easy, limiting myself to two hours total. But it was necessary.  And I have a little more to do tomorrow.

Afterwards, I cancelled a yoga appointment, and Graham and I went to lunch and then to Marshalls to check out some of the baby stuff there. We walked away with three onesies. Terribly cute.

I’ve been nesting a little today, too. I purged part of my closet and drawers.  Some stuff, like the workout gear for high intensity workouts and skinny jeans, went upstairs to the attic for retrieval later.  Other stuff I just got rid of.  If it fit, but I just don’t wear it, I tossed it.  There’s enough room in the closet now for a shelf for the baby. Graham and I are storing the things we buy there now.  Over time, I’m sure we’ll make more room. But for now, a shelf is a big deal.  I have a dresser in the attic that will be for the baby, and my old bed is at the ranch.

Right now, the plan is that the baby will sleep in our room for the first few months.  If we’re able to do the expansion next spring, then the baby will move to the nursery (which will either be our room now, or a room that is built in the expansion, depending on how the expansion goes).  If not, we’ll rearrange the house so the living part is on one side and the sleeping is on the other.  Hopefully, we can do the expansion.

Last night, we went to Barnes and Noble and bought a few baby books. We got the What to Expect…. and another one called Expecting 411 that is a little more casual. I’m reading that one tonight.

It’s not yet 9:30 and I’m already getting exhausted.  I knew that this would likely happen today, since I worked a lot this morning on the garden stuff.  It’s just always surprising how very quickly it hits me.  I’m going to try to hold out for 10:30, but I’m not sure that I’ll make it.