For a few days this week, I thought I was pregnant.
After much consideration, I went off the pill after my last packet was finished. We figured that it’s probably time to start “trying”, whatever that means. And we had no real concept of success or failure. It wouldn’t be profound disappointment if we didn’t find ourselves expecting a baby, but it wouldn’t be unwelcome news either.
We had sex. We had sex around the time I thought maybe I was ovulating. I haven’t actually ovulated in six years, since August of 2005, so I wasn’t exactly sure what I was looking for. I’ve been on the birth control pill since then. I don’t remember what my body feels like during ovulation. But I’m pretty sure that when we had sex, we were both at peak fertility. It was pretty awesome sex. I’m really glad that we had sex.
So for the next few days, after the awesome sex, I started thinking about what the hell we’d done. What would we do if I were pregnant? What would I have to do to my wedding dress? How could I possibly keep the first trimester to myself when there are all these parties with alcohol being thrown in my honor for the next three months? When would I be able to tell? How soon before I should take a pregnancy test? How will we afford this? Who will take care of the baby? Will we still be able to go to Burning Man?
It sort of slipped my mind, though, after awhile, because life goes on, and I’m in the middle of planning a wedding, and I have tons of shit to do.
And so on Wednesday, ten days after the awesome sex (there’s been other sex, but not as significant, procreation-wise) I noticed that I was spotting. Holy crap! I’ve never spotted before. Have I? My (birth control regulated) period isn’t due for another five days. It can’t be my period. Can it? To the internet! So it turns out that spotting could mean that a blastocyst is implanting to the uterus, and the uterus is shedding itself of excess layers. OR it could mean a host of other things.
So I bought a home pregnancy kit, even though my period wasn’t due for another four days, and I peed on a stick, and it said I wasn’t pregnant. And I was sort of relieved and sort of not. But then it said that it was only 56% accurate at this point in time. So I thought maybe I am, but I just don’t know it yet. And I peed on the stick in the evening, not early morning. And dear god. I just have to wait.
In the meantime, I went to my weekly check in with my nutritionist on Thursday and it turns out I lost four pounds since the previous week. And I really want to continue to lose weight. And I think I have reached the magic formula (for me anyways) of exercise and diet to efficiently lose weight. And I’ll have to stop if I’m pregnant. And I don’t want to stop, because I selfishly want to look as awesome as I can for the wedding.
And yesterday there was a little more spotting.
And today, I think my period came. Or else I’m miscarrying something that didn’t take, which happened to not take a day and a half earlier than my period normally comes.
At any rate, I’m bleeding, and I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant this month. Which is sort of a relief, but sort of not. And we’ll continue to have awesome sex in the next few months. And hopefully, it’ll take.