Tag Archives: medical drama

a new normal

I’ve not exactly avoided coming here, though there hasn’t been much to say.

In October, Graham and I were both tested, and aside from a small fibroid on my uterus, everything seems to be good. My egg reserves were apparently “unusually good” for a person my age, and the doctor thought that the main thing that was wrong was our age. So I flew home early from Thanksgiving to begin the IUI process. The first month I had follicles that were 18, 15 and 11 mm. I didn’t get pregnant. The second month, I had a cyst on one of my ovaries and we skipped. The third month, I had follicles that were 26 and 24 mm. I didn’t get pregnant. And the fourth month was just weird.

We’re in the 5th month now, and we’re skipping the cycle. My doctor still thinks that everything looks good from the technical side of things. He just thinks my body is waiting for the perfect egg, and with my age, they’re not as common as they used to be. He still thinks the IUI will work, and Graham and I have talked about how far we’re willing to take this. I think two more cycles and then we start talking about what else.

The rest of my life seems to be coming together better now.

I just finished a 40 days of yoga experiment at a local studio, and I think I’m going to stick with it. Graham and I are in the planning stages of the house expansion, and we’re getting closer and closer to construction. We went to Taos for a week last month, and I think it invigorated both of us to get moving on projects. I feel more connected to myself than I have since I lost the pregnancy, and I think I care a lot more now. 2013 was a very stressful year for me, and I think it took all of 2014 to recover.

I feel like writing again. I feel like doing projects again. I feel like exercising again. I’m watching what I eat again.  Everything is not perfect, but I feel a lot better about things.  And maybe that’s the key.

36

I have another 36 hours until the next sonogram.  Yesterday’s wait was worse than today’s but I think it was because I was still in shock.  Now I’m just resigned to wait.  I suppose four days isn’t as bad as the four week wait for the first appointment.  But still.

I seem to have decided to feel extra pregnant today.  I was super tired all day, as tired as I was when I first found out I was pregnant.  I also was nauseous all day.  Not quite at the danger level of losing my lunch, but close.  My cervical fluids have picked up too, which thus far in this pregnancy haven’t been all that present. Maybe this is some sort of sign that I’m moving in the right direction? Maybe it’s psychological and I’m making myself feel pregnant in some weird effort to hold on to the babies.  I do keep testing my boobs to see if they’re still sore.  Yep.

It’s so strange to know that I’ve got two of them in there, but only one, if any, is likely to make it.  I didn’t even know about the other two days ago, but already I’m mourning it’s loss. I imagine if I lose both, it’ll be pretty awful.

I’m prepared for that, I think. I know that if I lose it, it really wasn’t meant to be on a fundamental level. I know that it wasn’t ever going to make it, and all the “what ifs” in the world wouldn’t change the result in the slightest.  And I know that I can get pregnant.  That’s really critical, because if I did it in mid-April, I can do it in June or July or whenever my cycles pick up again.

I miss Graham, but I’m glad that we’re both doing what works best for us.  He needs distraction, and I need solitude.  He needs to be with his people. I want to be as far from people as possible.  He checks in on me, and I know that he loves me.  But this is good for both of us, and I think we’d both be miserable if we were together waiting around for me to miscarry.  I can keep myself busy, and I know that he’s in a place that’s safe for him.

It’s quiet in the house.  The puppies have worn themselves out, and I’ve gotten everything ready for the evening.  I’m going to go to bed early tonight, with fresh sheets and the whole bed to myself.  It sounds rather luxurious.

Two

I don’t know what I feel right now.  It’s not happiness. It’s not yet overwhelming grief. It’s a numb sort of shock and an inability to process everything that’s happened in the last 36 hours or so.

The appointment started fine. I really liked the nurse, as she asked questions about our medical history and how this baby came to be.  We had good rapport, and both Graham and I were excited to see the sonogram machine in the room when we got settled.  We chatted with the nurse for some time, and then she got the sonogram ready.

We saw the placenta instantly, and we were so excited. But she couldn’t get a clear picture with the sonogram in the room, so she pulled another, more high tech, machine from somewhere else.

And then we saw the yolk sac. I sighed and said, “whew, there’s only one.” and she said, “not so fast, that’s just one view.”  And from behind, from below, another sac appeared. Twins.  Dear god, I’m pregnant with twins.  Graham smiled at me, and I sort of looked at him in shock.

But the nurse kept on looking, and she said something about them being very small.  I said “that’s not good, is it.” But she thought that maybe my dates were off and I just wasn’t as far as along as I’d thought.  My dates weren’t off, or if they were, they were off by four days, not a week and a half.  I began to worry.  She began to look for a heartbeat, and Graham and the student both thought they saw one.

Then she asked the student nearby to ask for the doctor to come in.  It took awhile, and while we waited, Graham and I were left alone.  We sort of looked at each other with a worried look on our faces.  We were still absorbing the twin discovery. And we knew that it wasn’t good that the doctor had to be called in.

When Dr. Zepeda got there, he looked also. He found both sacs, but he could only find one embryo. And it wasn’t very big at all.  And he couldn’t find a heart beat.  I knew that wasn’t good.

I was asked to get dressed and meet Dr. Zepeda in his office.  They didn’t take my blood or give me a due date or anything like that.  And Graham and I waited in his office for a minute or two, knowing that things weren’t right.

Dr. Zepeda explained that the good news is that we can get pregnant, that we are fertile, and this is a good thing.  He said, though, that he wasn’t sure if this pregnancy would progress with the difficulty finding a heartbeat and my dates and the sizes.  I was pretty sure that the smallest was written off, but I wasn’t sure about the larger.  Dr. Zepeda gave me the name of a specialist who had a much more precise sonogram, and we’d get better answers from him.  We wouldn’t have to make another appointment until after seeing the specialist.

Graham and I walked away numb.  I was pregnant with twins. But it was looking very possible that I wouldn’t have a baby at all.  I called the specialist’s office, and left a message that I needed an appointment ASAP, and Graham went home.

The specialists office called me back and said they could squeeze me in that day.

I walked over and waited for about 45 minutes, and I went through the whole height, weight, medical history thing all over again.  They tried the over the belly sonogram first, but couldn’t see much. So, while I peed in a cup, the intrauterine probe was lubed up, and I got uncomfortable all over again.  This time, the monitor was much more clear, and the doctor could find both sacs pretty quickly.  He also found the embryo for the bigger one, but he also had trouble finding a heartbeat. But he did find one.  It was slow, but it was there.  He also found a bit of a flutter in the other embryo, which may have been in sync with the larger embryo. Apparently that wasn’t a good thing, because the smaller was probably sucking the energy out of the larger, and when the smaller stopped, the larger was likely to stop too.

He looked for a long time, and he took measurements, and he said that he’d really like to see me again in a week.  He said that if it is what he thinks it is, then it’s likely chromosomal, and there’s nothing to do and the babies will not survive.  But maybe not. I made another appointment for Friday, and he’ll take a look again.

And so I’m in limbo.  I’m carrying twins right now, and I’m not sure if either one of them is going to make it.  I cried when I got home last night, and I cried again when I explained everything to my boss this morning to prepare her if I need to do anything next week in the event of a miscarriage.

Graham is leaving for Flipside tomorrow, and mama has offered to stay with me all weekend so I’m not alone if things go badly.

I’ve felt nauseous and gross since the appointments, but it’s probably stress.   My boobs still hurt, and I’m still perpetually tried, so I’m still pregnant.

I have another three days to wait to see what’s going on, and that’s worse than anything else, I think.

Graham pulled out all of his supplements and vitamins, just in case we will have to start trying to get pregnant again soon. I hope not. I’d rather stay pregnant.  But that’s not looking too likely.