Category Archives: life happens


I don’t know what I feel right now.  It’s not happiness. It’s not yet overwhelming grief. It’s a numb sort of shock and an inability to process everything that’s happened in the last 36 hours or so.

The appointment started fine. I really liked the nurse, as she asked questions about our medical history and how this baby came to be.  We had good rapport, and both Graham and I were excited to see the sonogram machine in the room when we got settled.  We chatted with the nurse for some time, and then she got the sonogram ready.

We saw the placenta instantly, and we were so excited. But she couldn’t get a clear picture with the sonogram in the room, so she pulled another, more high tech, machine from somewhere else.

And then we saw the yolk sac. I sighed and said, “whew, there’s only one.” and she said, “not so fast, that’s just one view.”  And from behind, from below, another sac appeared. Twins.  Dear god, I’m pregnant with twins.  Graham smiled at me, and I sort of looked at him in shock.

But the nurse kept on looking, and she said something about them being very small.  I said “that’s not good, is it.” But she thought that maybe my dates were off and I just wasn’t as far as along as I’d thought.  My dates weren’t off, or if they were, they were off by four days, not a week and a half.  I began to worry.  She began to look for a heartbeat, and Graham and the student both thought they saw one.

Then she asked the student nearby to ask for the doctor to come in.  It took awhile, and while we waited, Graham and I were left alone.  We sort of looked at each other with a worried look on our faces.  We were still absorbing the twin discovery. And we knew that it wasn’t good that the doctor had to be called in.

When Dr. Zepeda got there, he looked also. He found both sacs, but he could only find one embryo. And it wasn’t very big at all.  And he couldn’t find a heart beat.  I knew that wasn’t good.

I was asked to get dressed and meet Dr. Zepeda in his office.  They didn’t take my blood or give me a due date or anything like that.  And Graham and I waited in his office for a minute or two, knowing that things weren’t right.

Dr. Zepeda explained that the good news is that we can get pregnant, that we are fertile, and this is a good thing.  He said, though, that he wasn’t sure if this pregnancy would progress with the difficulty finding a heartbeat and my dates and the sizes.  I was pretty sure that the smallest was written off, but I wasn’t sure about the larger.  Dr. Zepeda gave me the name of a specialist who had a much more precise sonogram, and we’d get better answers from him.  We wouldn’t have to make another appointment until after seeing the specialist.

Graham and I walked away numb.  I was pregnant with twins. But it was looking very possible that I wouldn’t have a baby at all.  I called the specialist’s office, and left a message that I needed an appointment ASAP, and Graham went home.

The specialists office called me back and said they could squeeze me in that day.

I walked over and waited for about 45 minutes, and I went through the whole height, weight, medical history thing all over again.  They tried the over the belly sonogram first, but couldn’t see much. So, while I peed in a cup, the intrauterine probe was lubed up, and I got uncomfortable all over again.  This time, the monitor was much more clear, and the doctor could find both sacs pretty quickly.  He also found the embryo for the bigger one, but he also had trouble finding a heartbeat. But he did find one.  It was slow, but it was there.  He also found a bit of a flutter in the other embryo, which may have been in sync with the larger embryo. Apparently that wasn’t a good thing, because the smaller was probably sucking the energy out of the larger, and when the smaller stopped, the larger was likely to stop too.

He looked for a long time, and he took measurements, and he said that he’d really like to see me again in a week.  He said that if it is what he thinks it is, then it’s likely chromosomal, and there’s nothing to do and the babies will not survive.  But maybe not. I made another appointment for Friday, and he’ll take a look again.

And so I’m in limbo.  I’m carrying twins right now, and I’m not sure if either one of them is going to make it.  I cried when I got home last night, and I cried again when I explained everything to my boss this morning to prepare her if I need to do anything next week in the event of a miscarriage.

Graham is leaving for Flipside tomorrow, and mama has offered to stay with me all weekend so I’m not alone if things go badly.

I’ve felt nauseous and gross since the appointments, but it’s probably stress.   My boobs still hurt, and I’m still perpetually tried, so I’m still pregnant.

I have another three days to wait to see what’s going on, and that’s worse than anything else, I think.

Graham pulled out all of his supplements and vitamins, just in case we will have to start trying to get pregnant again soon. I hope not. I’d rather stay pregnant.  But that’s not looking too likely.


It’s my birthday today.  I’m 40 years old.

I don’t feel 40. Nor do I think I look 40, though I definitely look like I’ve passed my 20s.  I feel comfortable with who I am and where I’m headed now, though of course I still have hopes and aspirations for my own life.  Now, though, I think about those in the context of raising a child.

I was hopeful that I’d get pregnant before I turned 40.  I didn’t think it would happen earlier this spring.  We only had a few cycles left before I hit this milestone, and so many other cycles were pretty unremarkable.

I don’t think that this is my last birthday that I’ll celebrate, but I know that birthdays going forward will be much more important for someone else than for me.  I’m so looking forward to those days, though.

I have only a few days left until my first appointment. I think that after that I’ll start feeling more legitimately pregnant, even though there are enough changes with my body to confirm it.  I had to buy another bra today, because my older ones are just too small right now.  I think I can feel my uterus beginning to bulge a little, even though it’s not visible yet and won’t be fore some months.

I wonder when I’ll start talking to the baby. I know it’s with me every moment of the day right now, but it feels like an “other”.  Like Fusilli before we picked him up. At some point, though, the baby will feel present, even though we won’t meet on the outside for quite some time.  I know that I’ll talk and sing and explain to the baby while in utero.  There is so much to say, so much to show.

But for now, the baby is more abstract.  It’s lack of physical presence is part of it, though I definitely feel different now that it’s here.  But I think it is also the uncertainty of this first trimester which is so touch and go. I’m sure that getting a sense of growth and heartbeat will help.  But I know that I’m not going to feel all in until I’m out of this trimester and into the second one.


And seven

This week was relatively without incident. I haven’t seen spotting in a week, though I expect it tomorrow, since Graham and I had sex today. I’ve read many places that it’s not uncommon at all to have some bleeding after sex.

We still have a week to go before the first doctor’s appointment.  It doesn’t seem so far away now, though I still am waiting for it to hurry up and get here.  Half of me thinks there’s something terribly wrong that will come up during the appointment. Half of me thinks that everything is perfectly fine.  I won’t know for another 9 days. And even if everything is fine then there’s the screenings. And then tons of other things between now and delivery.

Oh well, I suspect that the rest of my life will be spent worrying about this kid.

I had a disappointment at work this week.  I suppose it could be a mixed blessing, but it was personally upsetting. I’ll get over it. I always do. But it was something that made me question my self-worth, which always sucks.


A Special Announcement

Graham and I told Mama and Papa today.

I was talking to them yesterday, and I realized that I nearly slipped about half way through the conversation.  I realized that there was no way that I’d be able to keep this from them for much longer.

So when Graham called me while I was at lunch with them to tell me that the tee shirt for Papa arrived today, I knew that we should go ahead and do it.  I told him to bring both shirts and come over to the restaurant.

About ten minutes later, he was there.

We gave the bag with the shirts to papa, and I explained that it was sort of a mother’s day present, but also sort of a birthday present for papa, but really, it was a Christmas present.  They looked confused. Papa pulled out the big shirt first and looked at it. Then he pulled out the onesie and looked dumbly at it.

Mama burst into tears.  Papa looked dumbly at her.  “What is it?”

Mama said, “It’s for a baby!” Papa’s jaw literally dropped.

I grinned at both of them, and mama looked overjoyed. Papa looked confused.  I told them I  was due in December, around Christmas time. They still looked shocked, and it took a few minutes for the fact that I’m pregnant to sink in.  Papa was sort of quiet. Mama had questions. We told them that they had to start thinking about what they wanted to be called by the baby.  Mama, ever the practical one, started brainstorming on various pieces of furniture to bring to us.  Papa asked health related questions.

Papa asked me to forgive him in advance for all of the stuff he’s going to say between now and when the baby comes. He confessed that he’ll be a nervous wreck.

After the shock wore off, it was a lovely lunch, and everyone was just so very, very happy.

I went back to work to find a little spotting, but it’s brown which means it’s old blood. And the nurse from my doctor’s office got back to me saying that I shouldn’t worry unless there’s lots of cramping or lots of blood. There’s neither, but I seem to always have to pee.

I called Jose to tell him. He answered with “Is this important? I have a lot of people coming over. Can I call you back?” I said, sure, I just called to tell you I’m pregnant. He gasped, didn’t know what to say, stammered for a second about well, yeah, that is important, and then his guests showed up.  I promised to call later.

Nausea hit me hard today. I didn’t throw up, but I definitely wasn’t feeling good. It was touch and go for awhile, so I just kept on drinking water.  Seemed to help.

Over the course of the day, Graham told each of his siblings, and we called Jan together when I got home.  She was overjoyed.  Later, we talked to Bill and Kathy, and they were surprised and happy.  I think this baby is going to be very well received.

I have an acupuncture session in the morning. I’m sure that I’ll feel pretty good afterwards. I’m really looking forward to it.


Sleeping dogs lie

Fusilli and Celosa are asleep as I’m writing this. Graham is working. It’s raining and has been for a long time. This was surprise storm, and a welcome one. We’ve needed the rain.

I spent a good hunk of the morning working in the yard, pulling stuff out from under the palm tree and trimming vines that are creeping over the fence.  It wasn’t hard, but it was time consuming and laborious.  I took it easy, limiting myself to two hours total. But it was necessary.  And I have a little more to do tomorrow.

Afterwards, I cancelled a yoga appointment, and Graham and I went to lunch and then to Marshalls to check out some of the baby stuff there. We walked away with three onesies. Terribly cute.

I’ve been nesting a little today, too. I purged part of my closet and drawers.  Some stuff, like the workout gear for high intensity workouts and skinny jeans, went upstairs to the attic for retrieval later.  Other stuff I just got rid of.  If it fit, but I just don’t wear it, I tossed it.  There’s enough room in the closet now for a shelf for the baby. Graham and I are storing the things we buy there now.  Over time, I’m sure we’ll make more room. But for now, a shelf is a big deal.  I have a dresser in the attic that will be for the baby, and my old bed is at the ranch.

Right now, the plan is that the baby will sleep in our room for the first few months.  If we’re able to do the expansion next spring, then the baby will move to the nursery (which will either be our room now, or a room that is built in the expansion, depending on how the expansion goes).  If not, we’ll rearrange the house so the living part is on one side and the sleeping is on the other.  Hopefully, we can do the expansion.

Last night, we went to Barnes and Noble and bought a few baby books. We got the What to Expect…. and another one called Expecting 411 that is a little more casual. I’m reading that one tonight.

It’s not yet 9:30 and I’m already getting exhausted.  I knew that this would likely happen today, since I worked a lot this morning on the garden stuff.  It’s just always surprising how very quickly it hits me.  I’m going to try to hold out for 10:30, but I’m not sure that I’ll make it.