All posts by 'stina

a new normal

I’ve not exactly avoided coming here, though there hasn’t been much to say.

In October, Graham and I were both tested, and aside from a small fibroid on my uterus, everything seems to be good. My egg reserves were apparently “unusually good” for a person my age, and the doctor thought that the main thing that was wrong was our age. So I flew home early from Thanksgiving to begin the IUI process. The first month I had follicles that were 18, 15 and 11 mm. I didn’t get pregnant. The second month, I had a cyst on one of my ovaries and we skipped. The third month, I had follicles that were 26 and 24 mm. I didn’t get pregnant. And the fourth month was just weird.

We’re in the 5th month now, and we’re skipping the cycle. My doctor still thinks that everything looks good from the technical side of things. He just thinks my body is waiting for the perfect egg, and with my age, they’re not as common as they used to be. He still thinks the IUI will work, and Graham and I have talked about how far we’re willing to take this. I think two more cycles and then we start talking about what else.

The rest of my life seems to be coming together better now.

I just finished a 40 days of yoga experiment at a local studio, and I think I’m going to stick with it. Graham and I are in the planning stages of the house expansion, and we’re getting closer and closer to construction. We went to Taos for a week last month, and I think it invigorated both of us to get moving on projects. I feel more connected to myself than I have since I lost the pregnancy, and I think I care a lot more now. 2013 was a very stressful year for me, and I think it took all of 2014 to recover.

I feel like writing again. I feel like doing projects again. I feel like exercising again. I’m watching what I eat again.  Everything is not perfect, but I feel a lot better about things.  And maybe that’s the key.

Professionals

I have an appointment next week with a reproductive endocrinologist with Baylor. It’s been nine months since I went to the OB/GYN and he gave me Clomid. I went through seven cycles of Clomid without any success. On the eighth, I noticed that I had a very light, very short period, and I decided to stop and let my body re-regulate. No luck there, either.

So we’re seeking professional help. I suspect that this will be a frustrating journey, since they’ll have to see what’s wrong first. Probably a lot of testing. Probably a lot of waiting on my body. Or on Graham’s. Or on both of us. And then some hard decisions about how far we want to take this, how far to go before we decide we waited too long, that we’re too old, that a baby may not be in the cards for us.

I’m not sure we’re there yet. Maybe I’m pregnant now, this last week of my cycle. Maybe I just need a nudge. Or Graham needs something. Or a catheter has better aim than we do on our own.

I’m a little scared, but there’s nothing to do but go to the appointment and see what the doctor says.

A year

A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant. I thought that this year would go drastically different than it turned out to, but I suppose nothing I really plan for happens.

Ironically enough, I’m in the two week wait period of my cycle. I have two more days before my period is supposed to start. Right now, I don’t feel like I’m pregnant or I’m not pregnant. I suppose I stopped really focusing on that sort of thing awhile ago.

What I am feeling is grossly overweight. I probably put on the pregnancy weight without actually going through the whole pregnancy. I am just now beginning to climb out of that particular fog, but it’s not pleasant. I went to the gym on Wednesday, and running was harder than it’s been in years. I know the cure to that is just more running, but I’m not looking forward to this at all. On the bright side, I bought a bike and am looking forward to using it for quick trips around the neighborhood. There’s a yoga studio not far from my house that I like, and it’s a lot easier to bike than drive due to minimal parking. I’m hopeful that a bike will help me get moving again.

There’s a better than good chance that I might actually be pregnant. I’m on Clomid again. Graham has also done some things in the last few months that have risen some of his levels. We certainly took care of the act of baby making in the period of time we’re supposed to. If I am pregnant, my due date is right at New Years, and the schedule is almost exactly what it would have been last year. We’ll see. Part of me is optimistic, but part of me is terrified of hoping for too much.

Running

I ran today.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done this in Houston, though I ran at the ranch over the Thanksgiving break. I went down to the bayou and I checked out the new pedestrian bridges. They are building a really nice place for runners, and for me to get there isn’t a really big deal. It’s about a mile to the bayou from my house, and I ran about a mile on the trails there before coming back. It was about three miles, and while I ran more than I walked, I walked a good bit. This is what I ran: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=6183695

It was hard, and it hurt, and I wanted to give up a few times, but I kept on going, even if it was just walking.

I downloaded all of the data from my heart rate monitor today, and 2013 was a sad year in terms of activity. I don’t think I worked out more than three or four times a month the whole year. I had tons of excuses. My knee bothered me at first. Then I was pregnant. Then I wasn’t pregnant.

Weirdly, or maybe not, I probably took the best care of myself last year when I was pregnant. I paid super attention to what I ate. I exercised regularly. I drank lots of water. I paid super attention to my diet.

After the miscarriage, I think I gave up. If there was any major fall out from the miscarriage, it was that I lost all motivation to keep myself healthy. I sort of went into a lazy daze that I think I’m finally emerging from.

I have a doctor’s appointment next week. I want to see if there’s anything wrong with me in terms of getting pregnant. I have had some weird cycles, and I am just a little concerned that maybe it’s getting harder and harder. Graham saw a doctor a few months ago, and he’s having some things worked on in terms of his own health. I need to start paying attention to mine again.

And another month.

My temperature dropped today. It’s not an unusual thing for the end of the month, but it was something of an unusual cycle.   I didn’t ovulate until well after 20 days (I’m not exactly sure when), my temperatures have been zig zagging, and on Monday, I saw a teeny tiny drop of blood.  I thought I might be pregnant again.  The timing was right, and I thought that maybe it was implantation bleeding.

Today is the 31st day of this cycle, which is just insane for someone who needs medical intervention to get over 27 days.  And while I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, a tiny part of me is still holding out hope.  It probably will be until I see blood, and then I’ll hit a depression for a few hours.  And then I’ll start planning for the next cycle.

It’s a cycle that I’ve gotten used to over this pregnancy planning thing.  I don’t really like it, but I don’t hate it either. I’ve gotten used to the ebbs and flows of my cycles, though they’ve been less consistent after miscarriage than they were before.

I don’t really know if I have a point, or great insight, but I suppose I feel compelled to mark the month where I would have given birth and the true end of this particular journey.