36

I have another 36 hours until the next sonogram.  Yesterday’s wait was worse than today’s but I think it was because I was still in shock.  Now I’m just resigned to wait.  I suppose four days isn’t as bad as the four week wait for the first appointment.  But still.

I seem to have decided to feel extra pregnant today.  I was super tired all day, as tired as I was when I first found out I was pregnant.  I also was nauseous all day.  Not quite at the danger level of losing my lunch, but close.  My cervical fluids have picked up too, which thus far in this pregnancy haven’t been all that present. Maybe this is some sort of sign that I’m moving in the right direction? Maybe it’s psychological and I’m making myself feel pregnant in some weird effort to hold on to the babies.  I do keep testing my boobs to see if they’re still sore.  Yep.

It’s so strange to know that I’ve got two of them in there, but only one, if any, is likely to make it.  I didn’t even know about the other two days ago, but already I’m mourning it’s loss. I imagine if I lose both, it’ll be pretty awful.

I’m prepared for that, I think. I know that if I lose it, it really wasn’t meant to be on a fundamental level. I know that it wasn’t ever going to make it, and all the “what ifs” in the world wouldn’t change the result in the slightest.  And I know that I can get pregnant.  That’s really critical, because if I did it in mid-April, I can do it in June or July or whenever my cycles pick up again.

I miss Graham, but I’m glad that we’re both doing what works best for us.  He needs distraction, and I need solitude.  He needs to be with his people. I want to be as far from people as possible.  He checks in on me, and I know that he loves me.  But this is good for both of us, and I think we’d both be miserable if we were together waiting around for me to miscarry.  I can keep myself busy, and I know that he’s in a place that’s safe for him.

It’s quiet in the house.  The puppies have worn themselves out, and I’ve gotten everything ready for the evening.  I’m going to go to bed early tonight, with fresh sheets and the whole bed to myself.  It sounds rather luxurious.

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