It’s my birthday today. I’m 40 years old.
I don’t feel 40. Nor do I think I look 40, though I definitely look like I’ve passed my 20s. I feel comfortable with who I am and where I’m headed now, though of course I still have hopes and aspirations for my own life. Now, though, I think about those in the context of raising a child.
I was hopeful that I’d get pregnant before I turned 40. I didn’t think it would happen earlier this spring. We only had a few cycles left before I hit this milestone, and so many other cycles were pretty unremarkable.
I don’t think that this is my last birthday that I’ll celebrate, but I know that birthdays going forward will be much more important for someone else than for me. I’m so looking forward to those days, though.
I have only a few days left until my first appointment. I think that after that I’ll start feeling more legitimately pregnant, even though there are enough changes with my body to confirm it. I had to buy another bra today, because my older ones are just too small right now. I think I can feel my uterus beginning to bulge a little, even though it’s not visible yet and won’t be fore some months.
I wonder when I’ll start talking to the baby. I know it’s with me every moment of the day right now, but it feels like an “other”. Like Fusilli before we picked him up. At some point, though, the baby will feel present, even though we won’t meet on the outside for quite some time. I know that I’ll talk and sing and explain to the baby while in utero. There is so much to say, so much to show.
But for now, the baby is more abstract. It’s lack of physical presence is part of it, though I definitely feel different now that it’s here. But I think it is also the uncertainty of this first trimester which is so touch and go. I’m sure that getting a sense of growth and heartbeat will help. But I know that I’m not going to feel all in until I’m out of this trimester and into the second one.