Monthly Archives: April 2013

Getting real

I made an appointment with my ob/gyn today.  It’s not for another four weeks, so I’ll have plenty of time between now and then to fret and worry and obsess.

It’s still so very theoretical to me.  More and more, I’m feeling confidence that Yes, I am pregnant. Yes, I’m going to have a baby.  Holy crap, I’m gonna be a mama.

I tell myself that I’m silly for being freaked out. That tons of people have done this before me. That I’m no different than everyone else. That Graham and I are great with the dogs and we’ll be great with kids.  That I have an amazing partner who is just as excited-scared-nervous-happy as I am.

Then I freak out a little more.

I am so excited and scared and everything all at once.  I’m trying not to freak out too much, but at the same time, I know that this is a big deal. A very big deal.


Graham had his appointment today. The doctor said that he thought the combination of things that we’d done to get pregnant obviously worked, but if something happens, we should definitely seek further assistance going forward.

Part of me is glad to have this bit of time before my first appointment to get ready. Part of me is terrified that I’ll screw something up and won’t have gone in early enough to fix it.  I suppose that right now is the “not much to do but let it grow a little” phase.  I’m sure that it’ll be ok.  And if it isn’t, it probably means that it wasn’t healthy or viable or otherwise someone who would have made it very long in the world.

It’s killing me not to scream from the rooftops. I know the reasons not to tell people, and I understand them.  I don’t really want to tell too many people, but mama and papa not knowing is killing me. Graham and I figured that we’d tell them at papa’s birthday, which is right around 10 weeks.  That’s about six weeks from now.  Eesh.  I’m sure we’ll tell Graham’s parents around the same time.  I’m not quite sure when/how we’ll tell everyone else.

I’m reading up on food and exercise and medicine and dos and don’ts and all of the things I should do to make this go as well as possible.

I’m having a baby! Dear god, I’m having a baby.

Almost pregnant

I always heard people joking about how there’s no such thing as kinda pregnant. I dunno.

For two weeks of each of the last nine months, I’ve wondered if I were pregnant or not. There’s no way to tell, though women who are aware of such things keep on looking for “symptoms”. I know that I am not immune to such hunts.  My first was looking for implantation spotting, which almost always turned out to be just spotting a few days before   my period. I’d study my temp charts. I’d wonder suspiciously at my cervical mucous.

I’d also act differently. I’d eat a little better. I’d refrain from drinking alcohol. I’d avoid strenuous exercise (to my detriment). All because “I might be pregnant.”

Inevitably, the spotting would come, my temperature would go down, and I’d pray that maybe it was a blip.  And then my period would start, and the whole cycle would start all over again.

Now that I’m pretty sure that I am pregnant, it’s strange.  I still feel “almost pregnant.”  The lines on the hcg tests get darker every day. And my period hasn’t come in 29 days.  And I seem to be getting tired earlier. I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.  I just didn’t expect it this cycle. When the drugs didn’t work. When the first cycle after a HSG didn’t work. When the first acupuncture cycle didn’t work.  This cycle wasn’t supposed to work.  This was a throwaway cycle that had life in the way. Graham’s mom was here for the first part of the fertile window, and I left for Mexico the day of ovulation.  We had sex that morning, but it was goodbye sex, not “let’s make a baby sex.”  My temps were weird for five days, and then they just steadied out.  I really didn’t think that this would be the cycle that I got pregnant on.

I’d started looking at the numbers for IUI and IVF and all of the other avenues of assisted reproduction. I started thinking about adoption.  I’d started to wonder if having a baby was in the cards for me.

I told my sisters yesterday. I had to tell someone, aside, of course, from Graham, and I knew that even if for some reason this pregnancy doesn’t stick, they will be as supportive as possible. I can’t tell mama. Because she’ll tell papa. And then the whole world will know, and it’d be a nightmare if something awful happened.

But every day that I’m not unpregnant, I feel more pregnant.  I started looking at cloth diapers today. I thought about strollers and car seats and such. Graham and I saw a baby when we were at Whole Foods, and we smiled at her.  And Graham and I talked about the timing of the house expansion if things work out the way we would like them to in the next few months, financially. It’s beginning to feel like I am kinda pregnant after all.

Peed on a stick

So since July, Graham and I have been trying to get pregnant.  We’d been sort of trying before July, but we weren’t all that organized about it.  I’d gone off the pill, and we’d have sex, and we’d wait, and I’d not be pregnant.  After Graham had his hernia surgery in June, we decided that we needed to get more organized.

So I started taking my temperature every morning.  And I’d keep track of my cervical mucous. And I’d take ovulation predictor tests. And we’d have timed sex.  And every month, we’d wait for my period.  Which inevitably came.  I’d read more about fertility, and I joined an online board and learned all the acronyms.

In early November, I went to an obgyn to get checked out.  He said that I probably wouldn’t have any trouble getting pregnant, but when I showed him my temperature charts, he thought that maybe my luteal phase was a little short.  He gave me a prescription for Clomid for three months and sent me on my way.

I was bitterly disappointed the first month.  And then just sad on the second.  The third, I thought something was wrong with me.  When my period came at the end of  January, I called my obgyn, and he recommended a test to see whether any of my tubes were blocked. So on February 7, I went in and had my perfectly formed uterus and very open fallopian tubes x-rayed. Everything looked normal.

Next up was Graham.  He went in for a sperm analysis two weeks after I had my test. It seemed like it took forever to get the results back. And when they got back on March 7, they weren’t great.  I’d spent enough time on fertility boards to know that they weren’t insurmountable, but it was beginning to look more and more like we were going to need help getting pregnant.  Graham immediately stopped putting his laptop on his lap, and he started taking more supplements to get his numbers better. In the meantime, he made an appointment with a urologist, but that wouldn’t be until the end of April.

I decided that I’d take this two month break to work on my luteal phase. It’d improved considerably when I was on Clomid.  It’d been about 8 or 9 days before, with a 25ish day cycle.  On Clomid, it was a 12-13 day luteal phase with a 28 day cycle.  So I took Vitex every day and started to go to acupuncture once a week.  My acupuncturist told me that I had low kidney energy / yang.  I also added vitamins b12 and b6 and coq10 to my supplement intake. Plus some herbal medicine from my acupuncturist.  And it seemed to work. Though my cycle was still 25 days long, my luteal phase was 11 days. The previous month it had been 9 days.

On March 23, I started a new cycle. This cycle would be complete before Graham’s urology appointment, so it was another throwaway cycle as far as conventional medicine was concerned. In addition, I was going to Mexico for a wedding right around the time of ovulation, so we might miss our window.

The cycle was weird.  We got Fusilli towards the beginning of it, and sleep was interrupted considerably because he had to go out so often in the middle of the night.  My temps were pretty high early in the cycle.  Then they fell to very low.  My OPK was positive around the time my cervical mucous got egg white, and we had sex.  I flew to Mexico, and my temps started to rise. Five days later, they started to rise some more.  It was confusing, because I wasn’t sure if the second set of temps meant that I’d just then ovulated, or if it was one of those triphastic shifts I’d heard about.

So I waited.  And my temperatures never went down.  I peed on a stick on day 25, the day before my period was supposed to come. Nothing.  I peed on a stick on day 26, the day my period was supposed to come. Nothing.  I peed on a stick today, my period a day late.  HOLY FUCK! I think that’s a line!!!

Graham and I studied the stick.  It’s very faint. Very very faint.  And it could be a chemical pregnancy.  But I think I’m pregnant.  And I think that we were able to do this pretty much on our own.  Graham is still going to his appointment next week.

But if it is true, if I am pregnant, we’re going to have one of the best Christmas presents ever.