I always heard people joking about how there’s no such thing as kinda pregnant. I dunno.
For two weeks of each of the last nine months, I’ve wondered if I were pregnant or not. There’s no way to tell, though women who are aware of such things keep on looking for “symptoms”. I know that I am not immune to such hunts. My first was looking for implantation spotting, which almost always turned out to be just spotting a few days before my period. I’d study my temp charts. I’d wonder suspiciously at my cervical mucous.
I’d also act differently. I’d eat a little better. I’d refrain from drinking alcohol. I’d avoid strenuous exercise (to my detriment). All because “I might be pregnant.”
Inevitably, the spotting would come, my temperature would go down, and I’d pray that maybe it was a blip. And then my period would start, and the whole cycle would start all over again.
Now that I’m pretty sure that I am pregnant, it’s strange. I still feel “almost pregnant.” The lines on the hcg tests get darker every day. And my period hasn’t come in 29 days. And I seem to be getting tired earlier. I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant. I just didn’t expect it this cycle. When the drugs didn’t work. When the first cycle after a HSG didn’t work. When the first acupuncture cycle didn’t work. This cycle wasn’t supposed to work. This was a throwaway cycle that had life in the way. Graham’s mom was here for the first part of the fertile window, and I left for Mexico the day of ovulation. We had sex that morning, but it was goodbye sex, not “let’s make a baby sex.” My temps were weird for five days, and then they just steadied out. I really didn’t think that this would be the cycle that I got pregnant on.
I’d started looking at the numbers for IUI and IVF and all of the other avenues of assisted reproduction. I started thinking about adoption. I’d started to wonder if having a baby was in the cards for me.
I told my sisters yesterday. I had to tell someone, aside, of course, from Graham, and I knew that even if for some reason this pregnancy doesn’t stick, they will be as supportive as possible. I can’t tell mama. Because she’ll tell papa. And then the whole world will know, and it’d be a nightmare if something awful happened.
But every day that I’m not unpregnant, I feel more pregnant. I started looking at cloth diapers today. I thought about strollers and car seats and such. Graham and I saw a baby when we were at Whole Foods, and we smiled at her. And Graham and I talked about the timing of the house expansion if things work out the way we would like them to in the next few months, financially. It’s beginning to feel like I am kinda pregnant after all.